Added: Anela Liedtke - Date: 24.11.2021 09:07 - Views: 47992 - Clicks: 6846
Men have a tendency to make the assumption that sex itself is a need, regardless of who or what it comes from. Both of these are wrong, and they both get a lot of people into trouble in their relationships. All humans possess fundamental psychological needs. If we do not meet our psychological needs, we suffer, sometimes severely. Just like we need food, shelter, and sleep to survive, we also need to fulfill our psychological needs to remain mentally healthy and stable.
Psychologists have studied a of psychological needs, but you can really narrow them down to four fundamental needs: security, 1 self-esteem, 2 autonomy, 3 and connection. To be happy, stable people, we need to meet all four of these needs consistently. If we are not meeting these needs, our minds will actually begin to rationalize ways to get them met, even at the expense of our physical or mental health.
If one is never able to meet their need for esteem, they will become chronically depressed and sometimes commit suicide. If one never meets their need for autonomy, they will fall into a state of codependence or learned helplessness.
On top of psychological needs, we have psychological and social strategies to meet those needs. Some strategies are more abstract and some are obvious. For instance, sports fulfill our needs for connection, and if we win, for esteem. A healthy family unit can provide for our needs of connection, esteem and security. Learning martial arts can fulfill our needs for security and esteem.
Getting good at math to impress our teacher can fulfill our need for esteem. Experimenting with drugs can fulfill our need for autonomy and connection. So on and so on. How do we know this? Because there is no evidence that celibacy or asexuality is actually physically or psychologically unhealthy. In fact, there are many health risks because of sex. One could even argue that there are psychological and health benefits from not having sex. In fact, sex is great. Sex is awesome. Sex makes us happier and healthier people.
On the other hand, if psychological needs go unmet for long periods of time, it will absolutely fuck us up physically and psychologically. People develop neuroses, addictions, and even delusions to get their needs met. Research shows that social isolation is more harmful than alcoholism or smoking. No one ever killed themselves because they were too horny. They do it because of a lack of connection or self-esteem.
The idea of sex as a strategy to meet psychological needs sounds weird to many because sex is also a physiological drive, like eating or sleeping. But unlike eating or sleeping, you can go your whole life without sex and not be any worse off for it. Much of the mismatched understanding between men and women and sex comes from the fact that men and women usually use sex to satisfy different needs.
In the past, women mainly sought sex out as a form of security. Women have also suffered a history of having their sexuality shamed and suppressed by society. Therefore, many of them have come to feel an inverse relationship between sex and their need for esteem. Men, on the other hand, have traditionally used their sex lives as a status symbol with other men.
Therefore, men have largely been conditioned to seek sex to fulfill their need for self-esteem. Because men and women have traditionally pursued sex to fill different psychological needs, they fail to understand each other and criticize each other for not meeting the need they want met. Men think women are being clingy and manipulative, whereas women think men are being insecure and desperate.
In my book on dating for men, a core point I make is that men need to develop themselves independently of women to get their needs met on their own as much as possible. I would argue the same goes for women. Pursuing sex to compensate for your neediness in self-esteem or because you feel a lack of connection in your life will only cause you to behave in unattractive ways.
End of story. Instead of mindlessly pursuing sex, you can fulfill your psychological needs with a variety of sources in your life—like family and friends to your career and personal growth. This is where the work comes in. Spend more time with family members and friends who replenish your energy and make you a better person.
Do activities that engage you and make you feel accomplished without the need for external validation. Or, if you want to dive in at the deep end, begin by questioning your values and asking yourself these thought-provoking questions to find your life purpose. These deeply personal exercises will point the way to strategies best suited to meet your psychological needs. Men and women get caught up in their own needs and then project those needs onto everyone around them.
Women see men as cold and brutish because they expect them to have the same need for connection that they have. Men see women as manipulative and deceitful because they assume women use sex as a tool for self-esteem like they do. Humans have evolved a psychological system of emotional attachment. Totally involuntary yet universal, regardless of culture, age or race, we get deeply and strongly emotionally attached to one another throughout our lives.
It starts with to its parents. The rise in oxytocin, serotonin, drop in testosterone levels, decreased prefrontal cortex activity—these processes are deed to get us drunk on love with each other long enough to at least raise a highly functioning, healthy child or two or ten. Even if one manages to suppress those needs, they come roaring back in the forms of neediness and overcompensation. Nature has cleverly wired us this way—to put our psychological needs first and then use sex to fulfill them in order to trick us into sticking around and taking care of one another.
Psychological Needs and Strategies All humans possess fundamental psychological needs. Is Sex Good for Us? It brings various health benefits e. So, uh, slow down there, bucko. It also comes with certain risks e. Meeting Your Psychological Needs Instead of mindlessly pursuing sex, you can fulfill your psychological needs with a variety of sources in your life—like family and friends to your career and personal growth.
Sex, Attachment, and Our Psychological Needs Humans have evolved a psychological system of emotional attachment. Sex is about emotional needs, psychological needs. Concealment of ovulation, parental care, and human social evolution. Irons Eds. The magnetism that holds us together: Sexuality and relationship maintenance across relationship development.
Current Opinion in Psychology , 1 , 29— Blood pressure reactivity to stress is better for people who recently had penile—vaginal intercourse than for people who had other or no sexual activity. Biological Psychology , 71 2 , — Psychological Reports , 94 3 , — Sexual intercourse and risk of ischaemic stroke and coronary heart disease: The Caerphilly study. JAMA , 13 , — Effects of ejaculatory frequency and season on variations in semen quality. Fertility and Sterility , 82 2 , — Epidemiology , 13 1 , 72— Sexual Activity and the Cardiac Patient. The American Journal of Geriatric Cardiology , 12 1 , 38— Social isolation kills, but how and why?
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